Jokes of the day

Ryes

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Sometimes in the middle of the day, when I have nothing better to do I like to come up with jokes and puns of my own. Here is today's selection.

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I found a new bestseller at the bookshop. The author's name was Paige Turner.

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Why don't the Palestinian have a chance at the metaphorical arm wrestling with the Israeli ? Because the Jews are "muscle tough" (or was that mazel tov ?)
 
They did find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Millions of them, called Korans.
 
They carried out a survey recently in a small town outside of Dublin and they asked the population if they felt imigration was becoming an issue.

27% replied yes

73% replied nie
 
They carried out a survey recently in a small town outside of Dublin and they asked the population if they felt imigration was becoming an issue.
27% replied yes
73% replied nie

The question is, would Ireland be able to support its amazing growth without cheap Polish labour ?
 
Absolutely not and they are very welcome - doesn't mean we cant have a joke about it.

Nazdrowie!

Funnily enough after English it's believed Mandarin and then Polish are the most spoken languages in Ireland.
 
What is the generic term of whistling, burbping, stomach gurgling and farting ?
Organ music.
 
Young recruit going out for a friendly drink with his boss after work :

Boss : "So Dan, do you like tits ?"
Employee : (a bit surprised and taken aback by the question) "Who doesn't, sir ?"
Boss : "Oh yeah, black tits especially. Beautiful ! And cute too."
Employee : (nodding, a bit baffled by his boss' directness)
Boss : "I like watching them when I get up in the morning. You know, through the window".
Employee : "Through the window ? You mean you are peeking at, er... females, from your apartment's window ?"
Boss : "Females or males, I don't know. But you sure better be peeping if you don't want to scare them away. Haha !".
Employee : (smiling in disbelief)
Boss : "So, do you have a lot of tits where you are from ?"
Employee : (a bit embrassed) "Err, yes. We certainly do, sir."
Boss : "And, tell me Dan, what's your favourite kind of birds ? Do you prefer the cute, shy, little ones, or the predators ?"
Employee : "Well..."
Boss : "Come on boy, don't be so reserved ! If you care to join me one day, I've got good binoculars, we could have fun watching my favourite tits from my place if you want."
Employee : "Frankly sir, er... to tell you the truth I have a fiancée and..."
Boss : "What does your fiancée have to do with that ? Would she like to come too ?"
Employee : (in disbelief) "With all due respect, I don' think it's really appropriate for you and me to discuss inviting my fiancée to watch naked women from your apartment."
Boss : "Naked women ? Who told you about naked women, you little pervert ?"
Employee : "But the tits, sir..." (waiting a moment) Oh, you actually meant the birds, right ?"
Boss : (upset) "Yes, of course, I meant the birds. You know, the animal, with wings. What on earth do you think I was talking about ?"

:D
 
A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for. '


Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, 'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:' Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.
He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said, 'Smooth as Silk?' This time the woman turned on him and said, 'What the F*** do you want?' The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said - 'Ahhhhh, Ryanair!'
 
Michael O'Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.
"That'll be two Euros," says the barman.
"That's a reasonable price," replies O'Leary.
"Would you like a glass with that sir?" asks the barman
 
Somebody complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen- it said 'Parking Fine'.
 
The scene is North Africa, at the height of fierce battles in World War 2. An Australian junior officer meets a British senior officer on the front line. "Good morning young man," says the British officer, "Did you come here to die?"

"No Sir," replies the young Australian, "I came yesterday".
 
The scene is North Africa, at the height of fierce battles in World War 2. An Australian junior officer meets a British senior officer on the front line. "Good morning young man," says the British officer, "Did you come here to die?"
"No Sir," replies the young Australian, "I came yesterday".

Quite funny...
 
Hahaha...I find this thread very interesting and funny. Sorry I can't contribute any jokes. But I'll be back here to get a good laugh.
 
Jokes are the source of hummer foe everyone.
A good joke makes laugh a person and he can smile for a moment.
Here I want to share a joke.
A teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny responded, "Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king."
 
How about thin-king have you ever tried doing that?
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?
 
Was it suicidal?
 

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